I ended up having to babysit Monday night 6.30 – 11.30 and then again last night 6.30 – 10.30, for some reason the kids have decided it will be fun to fight with every request I give them. And let me tell you, last night I was in absolutely no mood to put up with it. After matches of hitting, kicking, punching and tears – initially those came from the kids but once they were in bed I must admit I let some of my own out. 15 minutes of fighting with me to brush their teeth I finally got all four down, after a few warnings to stop talking they all went to sleep. The plan was that I would work on my media and communications essay, like I said that was the plan but that is not what happened.
My father had tried to call me twice, each time I had to end the call as the kids weren’t cooperating and I needed to sort them out. Once they were in bed I finally got the chance to call him back, which lead me to even more tears. As you know, I’ve been the full time carer to Codie while she’s been sick. So since she’s been sick I’ve been the one to take on all the responsibility of helping her, taking her to appointment’s, cooking, cleaning and all the other tasks that come with living out of home. On top of that I have tried to manage a full time course load at university.
Yesterday I received a paper back from the psychology report I handed in a few weeks back, the one that I had to keep stopping due to taking Codie to surgery and two hospital trips after said surgery. Well I did so bad that I am ashamed to admit what I received for the paper. I knew I wasn’t going to go heaps well but I didn’t think I would go so horribly. On top of that I had to sit a sociology exam which I forgot everything I had studied as I was burdened by eating disorder thoughts and massive amounts of anxiety; the anxiety was that bad and even valium didn’t help.
Someone who is such a perfectionist about grades, this has left me thinking am I really cut out for my degree – yes the punitive side reared its ugly head and unfortunately it hasn’t left as yet. I knew taking care of my sister had taken its toll on the marks I have received but it wasn’t until I put it all together and realised that the odds of me passing two of my classes this session is pretty slim. I know I that I will pass my media and communications class as I have gotten a credit and distinction so far and the major essay that I should be working on now is pretty laid back marking wise. It is the disappointment in psychology that is really getting to me at the moment. I need to pass it in order to continue on with psychology classes.
Enough about university as it is just allowing the punitiveness to increase and at the moment I cannot have that happen.
I have had a lot of appointments this week; I had the psychiatrist on Monday, dietician yesterday, and psychologist this morning. Tomorrow I see the specialist dentist in Sydney, which means yet another long day. I think I should write a little on how each one of these appointments went. Some aspects were better than others.
Psychiatrist: Well that was an interesting one, it was the first time I have ever laughed in an appointment with her. She wants to continue medication as it is, I have been missing days which I know is bad but it hasn’t been intentional. She thinks could have triggered the bad sleeping patterns I have been having and the nightmares that keep waking me up. See her again in just over a month, unless anything major comes up prior.
Dietician: Well as usual this appointment was very hard. We spoke about the food journal which had me admit that it triggers me looking at the specific amount and just fuels my eating disorder. So she changed it to one where you don’t write the specific food calories. You just write briefly what you ate and then there are parts where you reflect and write if any behaviour comes up. Weight was the same as last week, which we debated about. I think it had gone up and got annoyed about how stupid it is to weigh someone at 3.30pm after admitting you’ve eaten that day. Yes, eating disorder was very present and she knew it. She mentioned hospital again, that I need to think about it. She said that I need to learn to be okay with food, not fear it and sometimes hospital is the only place you’ll learn it.
Psychologist: Today was actually strange, emotion wise punitiveness and anger came up. We spoke manly about the impact of things with Codie and the message I sent to my mother confessing that I cannot take care of her anymore – which is a major thing as I have never said anything to them about it before. We spoke about the path I am on and how things are complicated with the relationship I have with my sister, the relationship twins tend to have are completely different to those of normal siblings. She made me realise that at some point I really have to take a step back and focus on me. Not constantly worrying about Codie, acknowledge that my needs are important that until I realise it nothing is realistically going to change.
Those are only brief summaries of the appointments. I am physically drained and have to be up early to drive to Sydney. Have to fill my car up and find a car wash because my car is that dirty that I can hardly see out the windows. Been too busy to maintain it, my poor baby.
I’m exhausted so I am going to head to bed.
Night x