I just got home from seeing Danielle, it was a tough session. Actually tough doesn’t even scratch the surface of how hard it was. I broke down in the session due to not knowing how to deal with the eating disorder anymore and not knowing how to express to Danielle the extent in which I am struggling.
I went home on the weekend after breaking down to my parents on the phone, like a child my father told me I had to come home. As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted with how much weight have you lost questions, I felt like I was in trouble and felt very exposed. Not only was it from my father, my twin asked me as well she said it was a compliment. How is asking someone how much weight they’ve lost a compliment? Ugh, I don’t know!
I walked in and told her I went home and what happened. This is when things went from bad to worse inside my head.
Danielle noted that I was distant and dissociated and wanted to get to the cause of this dissociation.
I got up and paced the room which just caused further anxiety; I then sat back down and at that point lost it. Told her I didn’t know how to explain it, that it is like all my thoughts are fused together and everything is fuzzy. That I don’t know who is in control that I don’t know which aspect of the layers is in control. She asked what was wrong with not being in control and I told her it doesn’t feel safe, that I don’t like this unknown.
She then asked me; do you think that this could be the eating disorder in complete control?
Looking at it from that at angle, it does make sense. For weeks now she has been asking me “what does it feel like within your body” and I guess this is the perfect way of explaining it. Besides the psychological component of torment it also makes things unclear and somewhat “fuzzy”.
She said what happens when you don’t get the correct nutrition, I responded with things become harder to process. She asked what happens to emotions, I responded with they become erratic and harder to control. She asked what happens to concentration, I responded with I lose it. She asked what happens to Chloe’s progress in here, I responded with; it get’s put on hold. What she was getting at there is starvation syndrome which is developing more and more as the days go on.
She said she could tell that things are tough eating disorder wise right now.
I told her that I wanted to tell her things against the advice of my head.
I told her that I had cut down on behaviours, and she asked which ones I was talking about. I told her I was talking about the binge purge cycle but I was concerned I wasn’t winning the battle with it. She asked what I meant by this. When I was referred to the eating disorder’s program last June it was because I had relapsed into anorexia. Well for the last eight months I have been struggling with the bulimia side of the disorder. That is until about a month ago when I have started to restrict again.
By this point I was crying... The thing is I don’t even pick up on how restrictive it is until the end of the day when I write it down on my food log. It’s not even intentional restriction. I was telling Danielle all of this while crying into my sleeve, she asked if she could draw an image of what she thought was going on; I agreed because I couldn’t find a reason to object to it. She drew a circle and then inside that drew a spiral, in the circle layer she wrote eating disorder / mask. She explained that she could tell that it was causing a great deal a distress and that together we would change the behaviours, that I am not alone in this, that she doesn’t want the starvation symptoms to land me in hospital.
She asked me what would Vanessa or my doctor suggest as an exercise to do this week and I said to add one thing each day; she said that, that shows to her that I am committed to change and that I am not just saying it even though things are hard right now. She again just expressed her concern over the situation and where things are and that something needs to be done. I see my doctor next Friday, I tried to get in sooner but couldn’t.
At the end I apologised for how my behaviour was so erratic and she said that there was nothing to apologise for but by me doing so that it shows her that there is still parts of clarity in me able to show through. It's hard because I've spent the last six weeks telling myself that I am okay, that everything is fine and that I am dealing with it when in reality I am not. I don’t even know if this makes sense, it has taken me numerous hours to write because I cannot focus.
I went home on the weekend after breaking down to my parents on the phone, like a child my father told me I had to come home. As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted with how much weight have you lost questions, I felt like I was in trouble and felt very exposed. Not only was it from my father, my twin asked me as well she said it was a compliment. How is asking someone how much weight they’ve lost a compliment? Ugh, I don’t know!
I walked in and told her I went home and what happened. This is when things went from bad to worse inside my head.
Danielle noted that I was distant and dissociated and wanted to get to the cause of this dissociation.
I got up and paced the room which just caused further anxiety; I then sat back down and at that point lost it. Told her I didn’t know how to explain it, that it is like all my thoughts are fused together and everything is fuzzy. That I don’t know who is in control that I don’t know which aspect of the layers is in control. She asked what was wrong with not being in control and I told her it doesn’t feel safe, that I don’t like this unknown.
She then asked me; do you think that this could be the eating disorder in complete control?
Looking at it from that at angle, it does make sense. For weeks now she has been asking me “what does it feel like within your body” and I guess this is the perfect way of explaining it. Besides the psychological component of torment it also makes things unclear and somewhat “fuzzy”.
She said what happens when you don’t get the correct nutrition, I responded with things become harder to process. She asked what happens to emotions, I responded with they become erratic and harder to control. She asked what happens to concentration, I responded with I lose it. She asked what happens to Chloe’s progress in here, I responded with; it get’s put on hold. What she was getting at there is starvation syndrome which is developing more and more as the days go on.
She said she could tell that things are tough eating disorder wise right now.
I told her that I wanted to tell her things against the advice of my head.
I told her that I had cut down on behaviours, and she asked which ones I was talking about. I told her I was talking about the binge purge cycle but I was concerned I wasn’t winning the battle with it. She asked what I meant by this. When I was referred to the eating disorder’s program last June it was because I had relapsed into anorexia. Well for the last eight months I have been struggling with the bulimia side of the disorder. That is until about a month ago when I have started to restrict again.
By this point I was crying... The thing is I don’t even pick up on how restrictive it is until the end of the day when I write it down on my food log. It’s not even intentional restriction. I was telling Danielle all of this while crying into my sleeve, she asked if she could draw an image of what she thought was going on; I agreed because I couldn’t find a reason to object to it. She drew a circle and then inside that drew a spiral, in the circle layer she wrote eating disorder / mask. She explained that she could tell that it was causing a great deal a distress and that together we would change the behaviours, that I am not alone in this, that she doesn’t want the starvation symptoms to land me in hospital.
She asked me what would Vanessa or my doctor suggest as an exercise to do this week and I said to add one thing each day; she said that, that shows to her that I am committed to change and that I am not just saying it even though things are hard right now. She again just expressed her concern over the situation and where things are and that something needs to be done. I see my doctor next Friday, I tried to get in sooner but couldn’t.
At the end I apologised for how my behaviour was so erratic and she said that there was nothing to apologise for but by me doing so that it shows her that there is still parts of clarity in me able to show through. It's hard because I've spent the last six weeks telling myself that I am okay, that everything is fine and that I am dealing with it when in reality I am not. I don’t even know if this makes sense, it has taken me numerous hours to write because I cannot focus.