There has been so much going on lately and university has gone back so that has taken up more of my time. I am working every Friday morning for the school term so Thursdays are a long day with an early night. I have to be up at 5am so I can leave the house before 6am so I am at work ready for a 7am start.
I’m not sure where to start as there has been so much going on that I barely understand half of it myself. With therapy, treatment, university, work and life in general I am kind of overwhelmed by it all.
Well as I discussed in my last post, my team told my doctor about me having borderline personality disorder. I didn’t get to see Danielle until a week and a half after my doctor mentioning it due to work. Danielle and I discussed it in-depth but it has still left me feeling very raw. I don’t understand why this “diagnosis” is different from any of the others I’ve had. Part of it could be due to the stigma related to the disorder and the knowledge I have of it due to studying psychology.
We then decided it was best that we didn’t focus on the label of the disorder but rather the individual issues, the treatment program I am in is designed for people with borderline personality disorder. It is a two part treatment program: Individual and Group therapy. At this point in time I am only doing individual due to being unstable with eating behaviours. The plan is to re-evaluate at the end of the year what will happen next year.
I seen her yesterday, it was a tough session. Partly due to the fact that I went home on the weekend. I had a breakdown on Thursday and my parents forced me to go down to theirs after work on Friday until Sunday. I told mum how I was feeling about my body image and weight – which is a massive thing... How did they respond to my confession... With fucking cake. Yes, I am not kidding one bit, my father responded to my breakdown with going to the patisserie and ordering me a cake with the words “cheer the fuck up” I am not even fucking kidding. So will I be putting myself out there for support from my parents again anytime soon – the answer to that is no!
So Danielle and I discussed this situation and how I am constantly torn between the need to care for Codie and the fact that physically I cannot do it anymore. I sent her down to mums and dads on Wednesday after her surgery was cancelled as I cannot do it anymore. The charade is exhausting. The stress is at breaking point. We worked on the “aspects of me chart”, we have changed the structure of it. Danielle was drawing it up to use an example and I was thinking about it all and how nobody knows anything as the mask layer is constantly up and under that is the anger or deceitful lies of the eating disorder and every now and then the truth will be revealed. Like with the body image issue, it was revealed, it was brushed off so now the wall has been built around it stronger.
Yesterday and today my eating disorder has been in complete control which is physically draining. My heart is aching and I am getting blood pressure drops. I seen my doctor this morning, last time I seen her I agreed that I would allow her to weigh me. She said that she would allow it to happen in my own time. She didn’t push the issue at all but I ended up writing down two numbers, what I weighed in June last year and what I weighed that morning. After talking for a while this morning she bought it up. I dismissed it, I really did not want to get on the scales. Then I thought about it logically, no one has been monitoring my weight for the last month and a half and in that time it has been fluctuating 5kg. Who is really in control if I keep the number to myself, me or my eating disorder? So I relinquished control, I agreed to be weighed; I hopped on the scales while she was facing the other direction seen the number and then allowed her to see. She suggested blind weighing but in the past that has always caused more anxiety.
Well, I am starting to fall asleep, so I am going to cut this one short and go to bed since I have to be up so early.
I’m not sure where to start as there has been so much going on that I barely understand half of it myself. With therapy, treatment, university, work and life in general I am kind of overwhelmed by it all.
Well as I discussed in my last post, my team told my doctor about me having borderline personality disorder. I didn’t get to see Danielle until a week and a half after my doctor mentioning it due to work. Danielle and I discussed it in-depth but it has still left me feeling very raw. I don’t understand why this “diagnosis” is different from any of the others I’ve had. Part of it could be due to the stigma related to the disorder and the knowledge I have of it due to studying psychology.
We then decided it was best that we didn’t focus on the label of the disorder but rather the individual issues, the treatment program I am in is designed for people with borderline personality disorder. It is a two part treatment program: Individual and Group therapy. At this point in time I am only doing individual due to being unstable with eating behaviours. The plan is to re-evaluate at the end of the year what will happen next year.
I seen her yesterday, it was a tough session. Partly due to the fact that I went home on the weekend. I had a breakdown on Thursday and my parents forced me to go down to theirs after work on Friday until Sunday. I told mum how I was feeling about my body image and weight – which is a massive thing... How did they respond to my confession... With fucking cake. Yes, I am not kidding one bit, my father responded to my breakdown with going to the patisserie and ordering me a cake with the words “cheer the fuck up” I am not even fucking kidding. So will I be putting myself out there for support from my parents again anytime soon – the answer to that is no!
So Danielle and I discussed this situation and how I am constantly torn between the need to care for Codie and the fact that physically I cannot do it anymore. I sent her down to mums and dads on Wednesday after her surgery was cancelled as I cannot do it anymore. The charade is exhausting. The stress is at breaking point. We worked on the “aspects of me chart”, we have changed the structure of it. Danielle was drawing it up to use an example and I was thinking about it all and how nobody knows anything as the mask layer is constantly up and under that is the anger or deceitful lies of the eating disorder and every now and then the truth will be revealed. Like with the body image issue, it was revealed, it was brushed off so now the wall has been built around it stronger.
Yesterday and today my eating disorder has been in complete control which is physically draining. My heart is aching and I am getting blood pressure drops. I seen my doctor this morning, last time I seen her I agreed that I would allow her to weigh me. She said that she would allow it to happen in my own time. She didn’t push the issue at all but I ended up writing down two numbers, what I weighed in June last year and what I weighed that morning. After talking for a while this morning she bought it up. I dismissed it, I really did not want to get on the scales. Then I thought about it logically, no one has been monitoring my weight for the last month and a half and in that time it has been fluctuating 5kg. Who is really in control if I keep the number to myself, me or my eating disorder? So I relinquished control, I agreed to be weighed; I hopped on the scales while she was facing the other direction seen the number and then allowed her to see. She suggested blind weighing but in the past that has always caused more anxiety.
Well, I am starting to fall asleep, so I am going to cut this one short and go to bed since I have to be up so early.