I seen Danielle yesterday, it was a very confronting session. From the moment the first word left my mouth it was control from the eating disorder for most of the session. From anxiety that was bought up in the waiting room when a lady invaded my personal space by sitting right next to me when there were numerous vacant spaces on the other side of the room. It didn’t make sense to me that she would sit right next to someone when there were so many vacant places, isn’t it etiquette to leave a space if there is the room? In my opinion it is. I have a massive thing about personal space and that lady really invaded it and increased my anxiety tenfold.
My housemate has been told by her gynaecologist that she has to lose weight, so my mother told me I should be supportive and motivate her in this weight loss. Easier said to someone without an eating disorder, I am concerned that I could be a negative influence on my housemate. I’ve told her what she can and cannot eat in order to lose weight and about portion control etcetera, and how it’s all about balance but I feel like a hypocrite. I am telling her about all these healthy things to do and I cannot do them myself. Currently I am pretty much living off smoothies, fruit and wraps because I am too afraid to eat anything else.
The voices in my head don’t like that I am consuming what I am and that though of increasing it to anything else at this point petrifies me. I told Danielle yesterday that while I know it is bad, it isn’t as bad as it has been. With my 21st coming up I am extremely scared as to how I am going to cope with it. My family want me to come home and I don’t know how I am going to deal with that, it was at this point that the raw and honest me came out and the true Chloe was seen.
I started to draw on the white board at this point, about how the mask hides the hurt, how it hides how I am really struggling with this eating disorder and how badly I need the support of my family, but it seems that Codie’s issues will always trump that of this eating disorder.
I ended up back at my dentist yesterday afternoon; I’ve been in the process of getting a crown fitted to one of my front teeth. Since the temporary crown was fitted I had been in constant pain, but it had been manageable until Monday when I rang up to get an appointment to see what was going on with it. Turns out it wasn’t fitted correctly which was causing irritation to the surrounding gum, she could of left it since I see her on Tuesday to have to permanent crown fitted. But since it was causing so much discomfort an injection and some drilling later I walked out in even more pain. She said it should subside in a couple of days, just in time to go back and see her.
I have the house to myself again this weekend, I have so much study to get done I just need to find the motivation to do it. At least I have started the introduction to my creative writing piece:
As the bitter coffee passes my lips I sit back and listen to the sounds outside my window. It is never silent; it seems this city never sleeps. As the night approaches I sit here staring at the blank page before me trying to write the words that run like a freight train through my head, jumbled they make no sense. As the cigarette leaves my mouth and falls gently into the ashtray I breathe in deeply, trying to calm my nerves. Moments of clarity I once felt slip further and further away I dream of the past, where things were easier. Confused I sit back and take another sip of this foul coffee I don’t know why I bother drinking the stuff; it doesn’t give me any satisfaction. Once sweet, it has joint in with the times; somewhat depressing.
Time to make a tea and get some study done.
My housemate has been told by her gynaecologist that she has to lose weight, so my mother told me I should be supportive and motivate her in this weight loss. Easier said to someone without an eating disorder, I am concerned that I could be a negative influence on my housemate. I’ve told her what she can and cannot eat in order to lose weight and about portion control etcetera, and how it’s all about balance but I feel like a hypocrite. I am telling her about all these healthy things to do and I cannot do them myself. Currently I am pretty much living off smoothies, fruit and wraps because I am too afraid to eat anything else.
The voices in my head don’t like that I am consuming what I am and that though of increasing it to anything else at this point petrifies me. I told Danielle yesterday that while I know it is bad, it isn’t as bad as it has been. With my 21st coming up I am extremely scared as to how I am going to cope with it. My family want me to come home and I don’t know how I am going to deal with that, it was at this point that the raw and honest me came out and the true Chloe was seen.
I started to draw on the white board at this point, about how the mask hides the hurt, how it hides how I am really struggling with this eating disorder and how badly I need the support of my family, but it seems that Codie’s issues will always trump that of this eating disorder.
I ended up back at my dentist yesterday afternoon; I’ve been in the process of getting a crown fitted to one of my front teeth. Since the temporary crown was fitted I had been in constant pain, but it had been manageable until Monday when I rang up to get an appointment to see what was going on with it. Turns out it wasn’t fitted correctly which was causing irritation to the surrounding gum, she could of left it since I see her on Tuesday to have to permanent crown fitted. But since it was causing so much discomfort an injection and some drilling later I walked out in even more pain. She said it should subside in a couple of days, just in time to go back and see her.
I have the house to myself again this weekend, I have so much study to get done I just need to find the motivation to do it. At least I have started the introduction to my creative writing piece:
As the bitter coffee passes my lips I sit back and listen to the sounds outside my window. It is never silent; it seems this city never sleeps. As the night approaches I sit here staring at the blank page before me trying to write the words that run like a freight train through my head, jumbled they make no sense. As the cigarette leaves my mouth and falls gently into the ashtray I breathe in deeply, trying to calm my nerves. Moments of clarity I once felt slip further and further away I dream of the past, where things were easier. Confused I sit back and take another sip of this foul coffee I don’t know why I bother drinking the stuff; it doesn’t give me any satisfaction. Once sweet, it has joint in with the times; somewhat depressing.
Time to make a tea and get some study done.