Chloe is being treated for the last few months. She has been extremely unwell with a potential life threatening illness for which she is getting ongoing treatment, and has at the same time been acting as carer for her unwell twin sister. I understand that she has been attending university despite her illness. I would appreciate if the university would give consideration to Chloe in regards to her examinations and grades.
She then proceeded to tell me that this will kill me. My blood pressure has been swapping between hypertensive and hypotensive. Monday when I was at the hospital it was dangerous and then when she checked it again Thursday it was 131/87 while sitting and when I stood it shot to 148/91.
She is meeting with my mental health team on the 21st, I am concerned as to how that is going to go. I don’t see Danielle that week so I cannot even discuss my anxiety over it.
I’ve just spent a few nights up in Sydney visiting my aunt, uncle and their two little boys. I was only going to stay the one night but ended up staying two and drove home this morning.
Friday night my aunt and I sat talking for almost five hours. Updating her on how treatment is going and discussing ways of tackling recovery. She did hand out some tough love but I think it was needed, while my doctor has tried to make me see how this is killing me the way my aunt expressed her concern hit home hard. I ended up sitting there crying. I feel myself repeating that I am trying, but in reality my eating disorder is very much in control.
So I’ve tried taking some of that control back, the few days I was there I did not engage in any eating disorder behaviours. I did not purge and I only weighed myself once. My aunt has told my uncle that I will be coming up for a break and he is fine with me doing so. I thought I would be okay continuing the positive behaviours on my own but I have already been overruled by the voice in my head.
I had to go food shopping, I went into the supermarket walked around for fifteen minutes. I got extremely anxious and left. I sat in my car trying to write down some foods to go back in and buy but nonetheless I struggled. I bought: English Breakfast tea, strawberries, popcorn kernels and spinach + ricotta puffs.
Having the control of what I ate taken to some extent actually helped. I think at this point I need to take up my aunts offer to come up. She said that, that way I have that support and have someone I can talk to about whats coming up.
I cannot think straight at the moment. To be continued...