As I write this I am sitting in residential inpatient care, I have been here for four weeks and am here for another two and a half weeks. I was initially admitted with a planned discharged of three weeks but my psychologist went away for a month so my psychiatrist thought it would be best to keep me here until she returns this Thursday. That was the plan, but I have been struggling since day one with suicidal thoughts and eating disorder behaviours.
It all came to a head last Wednesday night, I was sitting in my room and the thoughts became too much I started planning ways of killing myself; I purged I just wasn’t in a good place at all. It all started to get too much in group therapy; I shut right down and couldn’t express what was going through my head. After group the therapist asked me to stay back and talk to her and all I could say was that I didn’t feel safe within myself. She was concerned by what I told her so she emailed my psychiatrist and as well as spoke to the nursing staff on duty. One of the nurses who I’ve gotten to know quite well came in and tried to talk to me about what was going on and I told her I didn’t feel safe. She said she was going to call my psychiatrist to come in and see me. At first she couldn’t get hold of her so they had me see one of the other psychiatrists on call who wrote me up for extra valium.
She left and a few minutes later the male nurse came in and took my knitting and knitting needles off my bed and told me that I had to come out of my room and into to the common area and that I couldn’t have my knitting back until my psychiatrist says so. They gave me 10mg Valium and I had to sit in the common area until 9pm when they gave me 10mg Valium and 500mg Seroquel which knocked me out for a few hours, got up at 3.30am for another 5mg Valium.
My psychiatrist came and seen me the next morning where I had a massive breakdown with her, she agreed that I was no way near ready to go home. That another three weeks was needed. So luckily my insurance will cover it.
I am currently getting distressed from writing and from thinking about some things that happened yesterday so I am going to cut it here and write again soon.