I guess I don’t know where to start to with this update. I know I’ve said that before but this time I honestly mean it. So much has happened in the last five days, that I myself have barely had enough time to comprehend it. Mentally and physically this time has been draining. I am exhausted and I am afraid, I am afraid of the unknown and to be honest part of me is afraid of myself.
As many know I have been working a lot more lately as well as going to university. I’ve been doing the Tuesday morning and afternoon shift as well as the Friday morning shift. Well Friday morning I did the shift and came home as usual, I had a scheduled doctor’s appointment that afternoon. What happened between the hours of 10am and 2.15pm? I know I purged a lot, I know I had urges to self harm but I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember driving to my doctor’s office either.
When I arrived at clinic I was told I could go straight up stairs, I know I was listening to music because I had headphones with me. I know that she wrote me a letter to my university because of the incidents related to me missing classes because of my twin being in hospital.. It was at this point I told her that the room was spinning and she got me to lie on the bed before I passed out. Coming to she asked if the room had stopped spinning yet and when I said no she said that she would have to call an ambulance if I couldn’t sit get up. I can remember parts of our conversation because I remember fighting with her over not wanting to go to the hospital.
She said that I had to go because I was dehydrated and my blood pressure was extremely low, I remember repeating that I would be fine I just needed to sleep it off. She just kept repeating that wasn’t going to happen. She then got onto how while I am there she would get a psych register to come and see me to see if I needed to be admitted. That was when I started to really dissociate from her because I knew my family would find out about my eating disorder and I wasn’t ready for them to know. She said that they wouldn’t but I didn’t believe her. She said that my psychiatrist had already spoken to her that week and was really concerned about where I was at and wanted me to be seen by the psych register anyway.
So she called my father and told him that I was being transferred by ambulance to the hospital for dehydration, I get on the phone and tell him not to stress that I will be fine and I would call him once I knew what the hospital was doing. Also to not worry about driving the two hours to see me, ugh! Did he listen? No, he ended up getting in the car and driving up to the hospital. By the time he gets there its after 6pm, I had been there since 4pm and had only just gotten IV fluid. I had also been given valium because my anxiety had skyrocketed to the point I couldn’t stay still.
A mental health worker had came and seen me before dad got there, he was a complete moron. He didn’t listen to a thing I said so I had to keep repeating myself and even then I had to repeat myself another fifteen times. He kept coming in saying so and so would be in to see me and then cancel to say someone else would be and that just made my anxiety worse. At 10pm I asked him for something for my anxiety and he was like “No you better hold off on it”... I was like “If I was at home I would have taken my seroqual by now... Hmm! So he then goes and gets me 100mg! 100mg! After his asked my psychiatrist, my doctor and myself three fucking times what mg I am on he gives me 100mg, when you’re on 400mg; 100mg doesn’t really do much. Wanker!
So at 12.30am a psych register gets there, I had just woken up from a cat nap since I had been awake since 4.30am. He takes me to a private room we chat for 25 minutes about what has happened in the last 12hours and he pretty much decides that it is best to admit me in the short stay unit because I am voluntary patient. He then finds out it is full so lets me go home because he doesn’t want to admit me to the psych ward with people who are totally bonkers. On the condition I go to my parent’s house, but he slips up if I refuse to eat or I feel suicidal to bring me back. I deny the eating disorder - which he believes. Saturday morning dad goes and picks up my nephew from Sydney and doesn’t get back here till 2pm, I decide that I am not going to travel 2hrs to be at their house less than 24hrs. We get into a argument about it and he decides that he will stay at my house until Sunday and then travel home Sunday morning.
Saturday afternoon my housemate opens her big mouth and tells him I haven’t eaten all day, he tells me to get out of his face before he hits me. We argue and eventually I tell him that it’s not a choice that I would love to eat and not have the stuff in my head tell me otherwise. He still talks to me with attitude about it, so I avoid talking about it. I don’t know how to address it, so I guess we’re back to how it’s been for the last fifteen months - a game of charades.
Mental health are coming out to the house on Thursday afternoon, I am anxious and scared, I don’t know what they are going to say. I don’t know what I am going to say. I don’t know if I say what I think they want to hear or do I say what is really going through my head?
As many know I have been working a lot more lately as well as going to university. I’ve been doing the Tuesday morning and afternoon shift as well as the Friday morning shift. Well Friday morning I did the shift and came home as usual, I had a scheduled doctor’s appointment that afternoon. What happened between the hours of 10am and 2.15pm? I know I purged a lot, I know I had urges to self harm but I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember driving to my doctor’s office either.
When I arrived at clinic I was told I could go straight up stairs, I know I was listening to music because I had headphones with me. I know that she wrote me a letter to my university because of the incidents related to me missing classes because of my twin being in hospital.. It was at this point I told her that the room was spinning and she got me to lie on the bed before I passed out. Coming to she asked if the room had stopped spinning yet and when I said no she said that she would have to call an ambulance if I couldn’t sit get up. I can remember parts of our conversation because I remember fighting with her over not wanting to go to the hospital.
She said that I had to go because I was dehydrated and my blood pressure was extremely low, I remember repeating that I would be fine I just needed to sleep it off. She just kept repeating that wasn’t going to happen. She then got onto how while I am there she would get a psych register to come and see me to see if I needed to be admitted. That was when I started to really dissociate from her because I knew my family would find out about my eating disorder and I wasn’t ready for them to know. She said that they wouldn’t but I didn’t believe her. She said that my psychiatrist had already spoken to her that week and was really concerned about where I was at and wanted me to be seen by the psych register anyway.
So she called my father and told him that I was being transferred by ambulance to the hospital for dehydration, I get on the phone and tell him not to stress that I will be fine and I would call him once I knew what the hospital was doing. Also to not worry about driving the two hours to see me, ugh! Did he listen? No, he ended up getting in the car and driving up to the hospital. By the time he gets there its after 6pm, I had been there since 4pm and had only just gotten IV fluid. I had also been given valium because my anxiety had skyrocketed to the point I couldn’t stay still.
A mental health worker had came and seen me before dad got there, he was a complete moron. He didn’t listen to a thing I said so I had to keep repeating myself and even then I had to repeat myself another fifteen times. He kept coming in saying so and so would be in to see me and then cancel to say someone else would be and that just made my anxiety worse. At 10pm I asked him for something for my anxiety and he was like “No you better hold off on it”... I was like “If I was at home I would have taken my seroqual by now... Hmm! So he then goes and gets me 100mg! 100mg! After his asked my psychiatrist, my doctor and myself three fucking times what mg I am on he gives me 100mg, when you’re on 400mg; 100mg doesn’t really do much. Wanker!
So at 12.30am a psych register gets there, I had just woken up from a cat nap since I had been awake since 4.30am. He takes me to a private room we chat for 25 minutes about what has happened in the last 12hours and he pretty much decides that it is best to admit me in the short stay unit because I am voluntary patient. He then finds out it is full so lets me go home because he doesn’t want to admit me to the psych ward with people who are totally bonkers. On the condition I go to my parent’s house, but he slips up if I refuse to eat or I feel suicidal to bring me back. I deny the eating disorder - which he believes. Saturday morning dad goes and picks up my nephew from Sydney and doesn’t get back here till 2pm, I decide that I am not going to travel 2hrs to be at their house less than 24hrs. We get into a argument about it and he decides that he will stay at my house until Sunday and then travel home Sunday morning.
Saturday afternoon my housemate opens her big mouth and tells him I haven’t eaten all day, he tells me to get out of his face before he hits me. We argue and eventually I tell him that it’s not a choice that I would love to eat and not have the stuff in my head tell me otherwise. He still talks to me with attitude about it, so I avoid talking about it. I don’t know how to address it, so I guess we’re back to how it’s been for the last fifteen months - a game of charades.
Mental health are coming out to the house on Thursday afternoon, I am anxious and scared, I don’t know what they are going to say. I don’t know what I am going to say. I don’t know if I say what I think they want to hear or do I say what is really going through my head?