Physically my body is not coping with the behaviours I have inflicted upon it. I am tachycardic, have heart palpitations daily, I am deficient in iron, I am deficient in B12, I am cold constantly and constantly feel like I am going to pass out. I have to start having B12 injections as the levels are that deficient that taking a supplement would not bring the levels back to normal. So to those who believe that this is a lifestyle they really need to see that this is killing me. Slowly, even though I am fighting as much as I can it is in fact a slow and painful form of suicide.
I have currently finished appointments with Vanessa, as I have mentioned in previous posts she was supposed to be meeting up with my doctor along with Danielle which would then be evaluated as to how sessions would go with her. Well twice now they have neglected to attend the appointment. Each time my anxiety grows deeper. I have not seen Danielle for two weeks, in which the last appointment bought up some deep rooted issues. I really believe that the issues that were bought up lead to the past two weeks events.
The past two weeks have been this intense rollercoaster where some parts have extreme highs followed by extreme lows where you are unsure if the ride is safe. Parts of the last two weeks have included actions that I am not at all proud of, actions that in normal circumstances I would not engaged in. Since deciding that I would open up to my psychologist about what happened in the past in previous relationships I have been feeling highly triggered.
I am going to be blunt and straight to the truth. Up until Friday I have only ever slept with two people, I am twenty years old and the two relationships I had been in ended up bad. The second one was worse and the cause in which made me move out of my parent’s house and two hours away. I did not feel safe remaining in my home town and I rarely go home out of fear I would run into him or someone affiliated with him. It’s not fair that I cannot go home to visit my parents, go out and see my friends and enjoy myself.
Okay so like I said two people. That is until I started working on what happened in those relationships. In all uncertainty I think it bought up more trust issues and the low self esteem. Friday, I slept with a 23 year old I had just met. Saturday I slept with yet another person I had just met, he was 24. Seriously? What the heck! Who the hell does that? The first one seemed to have a more direct effect, I sat in the bottom of my shower for over a hour. Scrubbing until it hurt. I felt dirty and cheap. Although with the second person I couldn’t speak up that what he was doing hurt out of fear of what could happen? I don’t know what has caused such a drastic change of events.
I have currently finished appointments with Vanessa, as I have mentioned in previous posts she was supposed to be meeting up with my doctor along with Danielle which would then be evaluated as to how sessions would go with her. Well twice now they have neglected to attend the appointment. Each time my anxiety grows deeper. I have not seen Danielle for two weeks, in which the last appointment bought up some deep rooted issues. I really believe that the issues that were bought up lead to the past two weeks events.
The past two weeks have been this intense rollercoaster where some parts have extreme highs followed by extreme lows where you are unsure if the ride is safe. Parts of the last two weeks have included actions that I am not at all proud of, actions that in normal circumstances I would not engaged in. Since deciding that I would open up to my psychologist about what happened in the past in previous relationships I have been feeling highly triggered.
I am going to be blunt and straight to the truth. Up until Friday I have only ever slept with two people, I am twenty years old and the two relationships I had been in ended up bad. The second one was worse and the cause in which made me move out of my parent’s house and two hours away. I did not feel safe remaining in my home town and I rarely go home out of fear I would run into him or someone affiliated with him. It’s not fair that I cannot go home to visit my parents, go out and see my friends and enjoy myself.
Okay so like I said two people. That is until I started working on what happened in those relationships. In all uncertainty I think it bought up more trust issues and the low self esteem. Friday, I slept with a 23 year old I had just met. Saturday I slept with yet another person I had just met, he was 24. Seriously? What the heck! Who the hell does that? The first one seemed to have a more direct effect, I sat in the bottom of my shower for over a hour. Scrubbing until it hurt. I felt dirty and cheap. Although with the second person I couldn’t speak up that what he was doing hurt out of fear of what could happen? I don’t know what has caused such a drastic change of events.